If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
