What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
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