I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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