brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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