I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
