my phone needs a breathalizer
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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