Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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