dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
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I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
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I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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