At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
