I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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