I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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