i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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