he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
