You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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