I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
