This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I could fuck to npr.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
