i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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