youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
