I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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