1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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