Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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