my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
