You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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