I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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