Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
