Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
