Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
