My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize