She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
