nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
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