my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
