so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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