i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize