Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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