I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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