My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
