If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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