Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
he high fived his dick after we had sex
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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