he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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