mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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