Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
