I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
