I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
