The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
