Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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