so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
