And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
