You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
