between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
