At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
