he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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