I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
