remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize