My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
