and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
