Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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