I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
